Bummed

This week has been difficult.
I'm building a house, because that's what I wanted to do, as soon as I could start walking towards something that was mine, a piece of ground that nobody could kick out from under my feet.
I'm building a house, and it's slow going, because I'm doing it myself, and the stones are heavy and the mortar bags are heavy and I can only fit ten cinderblocks in the trunk of the car at a time, and the wood part isn't quite straight, and it's too hot or too cold or it's raining, or sometimes I just sit in the wheelbarrow and stare out at the world and watch it spin.
But I'm building a house and it's going fairly well and I'm proud, and when I am there, I am enough.
Somebody kicked in part of the door last sunday. I'm not sure why; there's a big part without a roof yet that's much wider than the door. Nothing was taken, nothing was disturbed, but that painted panel of the door was shattered to reveal empty space.
It pisses me off.
Worse than that, though, it makes me feel small.
It's slow going and it's hard work and it's scary enough without Persons Unknown going out of their way to destroy things.
Stop shitting on my dreams, Harpy.
Maybe the work for me to do is to let go of the illusion of control.

So I patched the door with plywood on monday, and today I drew another pineapple and wrote Don't be an Asshole on it. I took the broken pieces up the hill and shot at them. I think I hit what I was aiming at a few times. I had the foresight to bring earmuffs and the balls to yell Woohoo! a couple times though I wasn't really feeling it. Left the shell casings scattered about as a deterrent.
I put up some plywood at the back and along the sides but didn't paint it yet. I raked up some leaves and burned them because that feels like Home.
I'm going to keep building, though every step means more that can be lost.
Looked at wildlife cameras online.

I'm menstrual and weepy and just an embarrassment.
I used to have a friend who was the same.
In some moments we were the same. I can count the differences, and oh boy can I count my flaws, but I need people to relate to.
I need some good words from someone who believes in me.
I'd like to pass some words on to whoever it was.
Who cannot build, must destroy, etc.