Monday, June 10, 2013

The Bushwhacker 9000

Once upon a time on a day very much like today I did a huge and heroic amount of yardwork. Actually, it was only the side yard and part of the front where the mower doesn't fit, so not huge, but my knee did twinge a little so be impressed.

Mind you, it needed to be done, but necessity pales in comparison to the opportunity to formulate that prized staple of modern conversation, that polished gem of good judgment and thrift, the Product Review.

Here without further ado are the finer points of the Bushwhacker 9000*
*test audiences say they prefer that name
It's actually a scythe, not a sickle. A sickle is a hand tool pictured on the former Soviet flag. (A "cycle" is what it was labeled as in the old stuff store, because words are hard) There's some as calls it a sling blade, mmhmmm.

This is two feet of sharpened steel radiator-clamped to an ergonomically curved wooden handle featuring two strategically placed hand grips and a lovely hard-wearing painted finish! (red to hide any blood spatters)

This quality implement makes short work of masses of grasses, weeds gone to seed, brush, bush, brambles and briars. It smoothly slices through the toughest of tasks to leave your lawn looking lush and verdant. Even better, you get maximum effectiveness when the grass is more than 6 inches tall, so you don't have to mow that lawn til you're good and ready!

  • No pull start, no moving parts
  • No costly fossil fuels or noise pollution
  • A good source of exercise
  • Keeps the neighbors guessing
  • Mows any size yard (your mileage may vary)
  • Can cause sweating
  • May sever improperly placed body parts
  • Does not include leafblower or mulching attachments
  • Sharp
  • Right-to-Left swinging action
  • Outdoor use only
  • Variable speed
  • No skills required; keep out of children
This fine product is available wherever outdated farm implements are sold. Get yours today!

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